Sometimes I feel like I have no one else to talk to. I know I do. I have The Husband, friends with good intentions, and mostly absent family. Every day is a struggle. I wake up in the morning, force myself out of bed, and make coffee. I drink my coffee and check in to Facebook, read updates from happy people, sad people, stressed out people, and worried people. I think about how good I have it- The Husband is a great guy, I have two beautiful spawnlings, and a menagerie of pets that I adore. I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge, and clean water to drink. I have creature comforts and The Husband tries to give me everything he can to make my life easier. But.
I really don't know how this happened. I have always suffered from depression, a little anxiety. But over the last couple of years it slowly spiraled out of control. It was innocuous enough at first... I didn't feel like taking the kids out to play- I chalked it up to being tired and/or depression. I used to enjoy taking long walks with my favorite dog, but the walks became shorter and shorter until we were only walking around the yard. I loved going out to eat, visiting family and friends, traveling. This year, I didn't even go to the family Thanksgiving. I think that's when it became apparent how big my "little problem" had become.
I hadn't put any names to my "little problem" until my husband offhandedly remarked to his mother that he thought I had agoraphobia and severe anxiety. SURPRISE! He wasn't wrong. (I will just say this one time- he is rarely wrong.) He helped me see that I really needed help. I was influencing the spawn in bad ways. They would wake up and ask me if I'd locked the doors. If a dogs pulled a curtain down (which happens more often than anyone would like) they freak out and alert me right away. When we go somewhere, they watch me constantly and fret over my level of anxiety. All in all, not what I envisioned when I imagined raising children. Not at all.
Obviously, I am getting help. Maybe chronicle my journey. Maybe help someone like me. Who knows?
